Its tough as hell… first day back to university – my mind constantly forcing me to believe that this semester is going to be like my past ones. Bringing up things the bully in highschool would say to me – and then zeroing in on them, constantly. To the point where I had created a little “phantom voice” of his in my mind. And in every interaction I am involved in its as if he is there, talking and judging either myself or someone else I may be talking to. It causes me a lot of distress, especially when it happens to loved ones of mine. Why cannot I have the freedom of my own opinion? How do I make his voice insignificant and die out? The irony is – my counselor has given me advice. Yet my mind plays games and tells me that what my bully said was true, he had no issues and puts him up onto a god like level. All my energy is depleted, I cannot focus on anything else. My studying goes downhill (as it has done in the past 2 years), to feel better I binge eat – I am aware I do it, but because it has become a habit, it is so tough to break. I fall into this slump of negativity, anything that goes right or is good in my mind is “too good to be true” and I question it all.
The negativity will then spread to other parts of me that are vulnerable, e.g my nose. I have had this issue with my nose for 3 years now. When this all hits, I spend 6-7 hours a day looking at it in the mirror, from all different angles, bringing my camera in and all that, taking profile shots, comparing it to other peoples. And then calling my mum and swearing at her asking her how did she make me like this, feeling so ugly and useless and feeling like I will never being able to find love. From then on its just raw negative emotion, it takes me 1-2 days to actually do my activities of daily living, and then combined with the schedule of school… not a pretty sight. My lack of motivation starts increasing and I find it hard to do anything, being completely paralyzed in my head. My head hurts, I sleep 2 hours a night and then have to go around class acting like I am okay. Although my teachers are aware and I have told them, their responses are “oh everyone has anxiety, it will get better” being in the nursing profession, you would think that my teachers would be a little more understanding. So I go in faking everything praying that I pass. I need to break free from all this and do well this semester. I need to believe that this one will be different from all my past ones and that I will succeed. But when my mind is like this how do I find that belief?