I remember the day it all happened. The day my entire world flipped upside down.
Last summer was a summer to remember. Who knew so much could happen in 4 months.
After years of being insecure, I accepted my flaws and became who I wanted to be. I thought I was invincible. That I finally love myself and that nothing- absolutely nothing can take that away from me. But I was wrong.
I lost my best friend. The friend who I depended on as my other half- my soul mate. She had her own stuff going on- but she had this tendency to lash out on me whenever she did. Make it seem like my fault. I would let her. But that day, enough was enough and I ended our friendship. 8 years. We were friends for 8 years and within 8 seconds, she became a stranger. I was okay. I didn't grieve. I just moved on.
This past summer, I also fell in love. I fell hard. I let him see every part of me- exposed layers of myself both emotional and physical which I have never done before. But little did I know, it was one-sided. He made me feel insecure. I allowed myself feel insecure that all that confidence I finally achieved, went away in an instant.
I started having anxiety attacks. I would cry- on the subway, the street, in a lecture hall...the tears just would come.
"I can make you feel so insecure that you're going to regret saying what you just said to me" "you showed no compassion towards me" "you're crazy"- the words he said. They still haunt me till this day. I let the opinion of one person shatter my entire existence.
A few weeks later, I went on a trip. I thought it can make me feel better- forget about things, forget about everything. I was wrong. I opened up to a friend- I thought she would understand my anxiety- the stuff I was dealing with. I was wrong.
I got diagnosed for a serotonin imbalance. Anxiety and depression all at once. I went on meds immediately. They worked at first. But then someone tried to fix something which isn't broken. My doctor upped my dosage. I felt nothing. No hunger. No happiness. No annoyance. No anger. No love. Nothing. I would hold my niece in my lap- the child who would bring luminosity on my face...and would feel nothing.
Friends started distancing themselves away from me- despite opening up.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who I was anymore- who everyone around me was anymore.
And that's when I went cold turkey. Thoughts. thoughts I never thought would come into my mind- thoughts of wanting to kill myself, but at the same time feel guilty because if I did so, what would happen to my mom? How can I put her through that? I had thoughts of isolation. Thoughts that everyone hated me, Thoughts that i didn't deserve to be around everything I had. Thoughts that I had no one. I would cry and be sad all the time. This went on for 3 months.
I remember forcing myself to go out with my friends with a smile on my face- faking the biggest smile I could and coming home to break down and stuff my face into my pillow. I remember my mother, holding me every night- checking up on me every 3 minutes to make sure I was safe. I remember calling the crisis line- calling good2talk and other anon hotlines, just to cry- to release my emotions- to speak to someone who got it. I remember going to my therapist for CBT every week before class and just crying- feeling guilty for things which I shouldn't be feeling guilty of- feeling pity for myself. For everything which happened to me. For blaming myself for falling in love. For blaming myself for letting go of that best friend. For being the reason my friends didn't understand me and caused them to leave me during my hardest time. For being alone. For being me.
A month ago, I realized I needed to go back onto my medication. That it isn't making me weak- it's an aid; a temporary aid which will one day no longer be apart of my life. That I need to learn to cope with my anxiety- something which took me years to acknowledge but one event to slap me on the face with it.
It's hard. hard feeling all these things. Hard thinking about all the things which happened in a span of 10 months. All I wanted this year was to focus on school, enjoy my final year of university, and breathe.
Who knew I would get depression? Who knew that I would have anxiety when going to bed and waking up in the morning? Who knew I would have nausea as a side effect? That I would sleep for less than 5 hours because of my thoughts constantly pouring my mind with fuel.
It's almost may. Yet, I'm still hurting. I don't know if I'm healing or not. But I still feel an aching sensation. Some days I feel compassionate for myself and realize that it takes time to cope. Other days, I'm back to square one. I just want to breathe. I just want a day where I don't have anxiety. Where I can think about nothing.
I just hope that I heal. That the day when I stop thinking about all of this comes. That positive people- good people become a part of my life. That I stop feeling broken and afraid of falling into love again. That I can move past my guilt- my fears- and tame my self-critique. I just want to move on.