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NVSN Journal Entry No. 10

April 11, 2017

I never really understood what it meant to not know yourself. A couple years ago, I was very close to someone who was in the middle of "finding themselves". Someone who needed time to find themselves. Without me.

I can't even explain to tell you how that felt from my end. As a person who did not understand a lick of what was going on within this person's head, I couldn't stop my thoughts from becoming bitter. I remember thinking to myself "This person is supposed to be grown up; mature and well put together. Instead, he's lost and indecisive. I'm better off alone. I don't need another person to take care of."

Fast forward to today. I've never felt more lost. I feel like I'm in a constant loop of boredom; constantly searching for something to or someone to ignite a flame within me that I've been missing for a while now. But why is that the case? Why am I unable to make myself happy? Why am I in constant need of approval or attention from everyone around me? Why am I not enough for myself.

I feel like the hardest part for me is finding someone to talk to. You see, to everyone else around me, I am consistently happy. There won't be a day that you won't find me smiling. So when people hear that I feel lost, like I'm wandering aimlessly through life, everyone thinks I'm being dramatic. No one understands that the girl with the biggest smile may have a lot of different feelings underneath that smile.

It wasn't until this week that I realized the truth beneath my behaviour. It wasn't until I had no one to call or text, that I realized that I should be enough to make myself happy. Today, I start small; putting my phone down more often, and texting less. Enjoying my own company, and spending less time with people I am just using to fill the space. Today's the day I start my journey to finding myself, whomever that may be.

 

And to the person whom I so harshly judged, I am so sorry. I'm so glad you were able to follow your dreams and become the person you always wanted to be. Hopefully I can do that someday too.



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1 comment

  • NVSN

    Apr 11, 2017

    Dear contributor,

    Thank you so much for sharing this with the NVSN community. It takes a very strong individual to understand that they may need to take that time and get to know themselves a little more than they already do. We think you’ve started on the right foot by starting to journal and taking more time for you.

    We often forget to give ourselves the attention we choose to give so many others. As much as it’s important to stay grounded, never forget to F.LY.

    (First.Love.Yourself)

    Thank you for being you.
    -NVSN


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