I never really understood what it meant to not know yourself. A couple years ago, I was very close to someone who was in the middle of "finding themselves". Someone who needed time to find themselves. Without me.
I can't even explain to tell you how that felt from my end. As a person who did not understand a lick of what was going on within this person's head, I couldn't stop my thoughts from becoming bitter. I remember thinking to myself "This person is supposed to be grown up; mature and well put together. Instead, he's lost and indecisive. I'm better off alone. I don't need another person to take care of."
Fast forward to today. I've never felt more lost. I feel like I'm in a constant loop of boredom; constantly searching for something to or someone to ignite a flame within me that I've been missing for a while now. But why is that the case? Why am I unable to make myself happy? Why am I in constant need of approval or attention from everyone around me? Why am I not enough for myself.
I feel like the hardest part for me is finding someone to talk to. You see, to everyone else around me, I am consistently happy. There won't be a day that you won't find me smiling. So when people hear that I feel lost, like I'm wandering aimlessly through life, everyone thinks I'm being dramatic. No one understands that the girl with the biggest smile may have a lot of different feelings underneath that smile.
It wasn't until this week that I realized the truth beneath my behaviour. It wasn't until I had no one to call or text, that I realized that I should be enough to make myself happy. Today, I start small; putting my phone down more often, and texting less. Enjoying my own company, and spending less time with people I am just using to fill the space. Today's the day I start my journey to finding myself, whomever that may be.
And to the person whom I so harshly judged, I am so sorry. I'm so glad you were able to follow your dreams and become the person you always wanted to be. Hopefully I can do that someday too.