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Princess Diaries: No More Secrets

March 22, 2017

Written by: @sophjam

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the “princess” of a town called nightmare.


Let me set the scene for you:
 
The summer of my last year of high school. Young & sweet dancing queen.
I thought I had it all: friends, family, good grades and killer hair without a care in the world.
 
P E R F E C T
 
And then I got bored.
SO bored I didn’t know what to do with myself. 
You see boredom can become your worst enemy – if you let it. It sits, patiently waiting like the hungry vulture ready to swoop in and feed on its prey. And unfortunately for me, I was the one who fell swoop.
Boredom fell into vulnerability and vulnerability into doubt; a word which here means a feeling of uncertainty or fear.
Fear that I wasn’t good enough, fear that I wouldn’t be able to unleash my full potential on my own, fear of loneliness and despite being surrounded by so many people, I was afraid.
Afraid of myself.
 
Afraid that I wouldn’t achieve greatness.
 
A N X I E T Y
 
[To experience anxiousness: a feeling of fear, worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome]
 
Fear of failure.
 
This feeling was new to me.
A feeling I rarely allowed myself to experience was now becoming who I was. I began to doubt everything about myself; the way I walked, talked and looked.
I began ruminating in the depths of my own despair and fell into the rabbit hole of my own mind, Alice with  
No Exit.
 
I was trapped within the walls I built to protect my own insecurity. 
Self-awareness turned into self-consciousness.
I lost all confidence in my faith and in
 
M Y S E L F
 
So I turned to drugs.
 
To lift me out of my lowest low.
 
I took my first pill at 18.
 
M D M A
 
[3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, commonly known as ecstasy, is a psychoactive drug used primarily as a recreational drug. Mental effects include increased empathy, euphoria, and heightened sensations]
 
I dropped “molly” at my best friend’s birthday party.
If I could take it all back now, I would. But at the time I felt alive, I felt more “me” than I had ever before in my life. I was flying. And I loved it, every second of it.
My mind began to climb the steepest staircase higher and higher. I couldn’t look down – the fall would kill me. But I didn’t care. I thought I was indestructible.
I was in a place where I wanted to stay.
 
E L E V A T E D
 
No one could touch me here. No one could hurt me here. I was free.
I found the right kind of high with the wrong kind of “thing”.
If I wanted something it would appear, just like that.
Whatever I thought was going to happen, happened.
And then it hit me, nobody actually knew how I was feeling. They had no idea what was really going on with me emotionally, mentally and physically.
No one had any idea what was going on with my
mind, body or soul.
They had no idea why I turned to drugs.
 
“She did it to look cool”
 
“She thinks she’s a G”
 
“Silly girl”
 
But when the feeling was gone I was falling, falling, falling.
Falling to the lowest low.
Lower than before.
I was running away from my problems and I didn’t even know it. Instead of facing them head on and truly taking the time to understand what was really going on with me, I took the easy way out and escaped through illicit narcotics.
Illicit being the key word.
Narcotics, when correctly prescribed by trained professionals are meant to treat and cure illnesses, but when abused can cause much more harm than good.
And the worst part was, at the time, I thought what I was doing was right.
I thought I knew what was best for me; but I didn’t listen to anyone, my friends and most importantly:
my family.
 
I pushed everyone away and started a new life in a new country.
 
Everything was perfect, again.
 
F R E E D O M
 
The freedom to explore the world and everything it had to offer. The chance at a fresh start, the chance to leave behind any preconceived notion of who I was and who I became. 
 
Until the empty feeling hit me again
 
E M P T I N E S S
 
New friends, new places, new drugs.
 
C O C A
 
[Cocaine, also known as coke, is a strong stimulant. Mental effects may include loss of contact with reality, an intense feeling of happiness or agitation. Physical symptoms may include fast heart rate, sweating, swelling, forgetfulness and large pupils.]
 
I took my first bump at a party in Paris, France.
I have this reoccurring nightmare of myself looking in the mirror watching in disgust as my nose bleeds down my face. The dream continues with me searching for a vacuum, I find one. I run to the table where three skinny ivory lines are waiting for me. I take the vacuum and clean the table and the dream ends.
Even my subconscious was trying to tell me I was wrong.
 
But I didn’t listen.
 
I created a cycle of destruction, a downhill spiral.
A tornado of trouble.
From there it got even worse, narcotics were nothing to me anymore, popping pills like candy.
 
I became a liar.
 
Lying to hide the truth.
And sometimes the truth was so ugly I couldn’t even admit it to myself,
I was lying to feed my
 
A D D I C T I O N
 
Addicted to my higher self, a place I didn’t know existed without drugs.
But it does exist – a place to indulge in active stillness, a place of peace
 
I N T R O S P E C T I O N
 
&
 
M E D I T A T I O N
 
And once you find your peace, you will find your truth.
The truth is what saved me.
 
N V S N
 
This is more than just a brand, this is platform of truth, this is a channel to express your inner demons and turn them into angels of hope.
You see, mental health is no joke. Your brain is an organ and just like any other part of your body should be treated with respect, kindness and care.
I am now in the process of reversing all the damage I have done to myself – 
Ridding my body of all toxins and chemicals.
 
This is a bridge,
A bridge connecting my
 
P A S T
X
P R E S E N T
 
I am grateful.
 
I came clean to my family after a terrifying experience of drug-induced psychosis and a long-term denial of the root cause of my turning to drugs.
 
B R E A K T H R O U GH
 
I love you Mom & Dad
 
Thank You.
 
Learn from those before you. Appreciate your guides.
Appreciate your role models, for me they are my sisters.
The sweetest, kindest souls I have ever known.
They have always been beacons of light for me through the darkness, they have always taught me to be and believe in myself and own my choices and learn from the mistakes I’ve made. It’s important to take responsibility for our own existence as we define ourselves by our choice of action.
 
“We are in fact, the sum total of our choices”
 
Now I believe in experience.
In passion, in growth, in the enigma of finding
 
P U R P O S E
 
[The reason for which something is done or created – for which something exists]
 
When one asks what is your purpose in life, ask yourself - what is your reason to live? Every day we are finding purpose, purpose exists in every moment but one must ask the question what is beyond purpose. What does it mean to be alive?
Why do we wake up every morning and do what we do.
 
The incessant ache to find my meaning in life propels every decision I make and is inexorably present in everything I do.

In the words of Victor E. Frankl,


“One’s true meaning is to be discovered in the world, rather than within one’s own psyche.”
 

This means get out of your head, take a deep breath, open your eyes; your path is waiting for you.



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