Bags in hand I looked at my school and I had high hopes for living alone, for being alone, for figuring out who I am, only to end up sitting in my room all by myself until 3am eating mr noodles and Smartfood. I wrote this as a way to reach out to every person going through this struggle of transitioning or even in university that no matter what it will be okay. Your story will be amazing. Thank you.
With walls surrounding me day and night I feel trapped.
The bricks on top of bricks.
The dents between,
Separating me from the outside world.
My desk, blocky and not unique.
I can’t help but sit here and want to make this space mine, in the hope that no matter what I will not be alone.
A few planks of wood to show me who I really am.
The colours of home being brought to this new place to make it… me.
The only thing separating me from everything else.
My head begins to envision a space where I can dance and sing and jump and be happy and free as if I am home.
The blackness of my sheets do not look dark and consuming but in fact look inviting and comfy
The white and grey duvet that surrounds me.
The pillows covered in the same silky material allowing me to feel more at ease when I begin to float off into my dreams.
Finally, the memories.
A 4×6 piece of paper with some of my greatest treasures on them.
My support system.
A collection of stories within each picture.
The reasons for my smiles.
The reasons for my accomplishments.
I went from a big space where I was comfortable to a bigger space where I am uncomfortable.
I didn’t want to allow myself to get like this.
I didn’t want to be the person held up in his room all night.
I didn’t want to allow myself to say no.
I didn’t want to seclude myself with my headphones.
I didn’t want to put on the weight. But hey that’s okay, right? It’s okay to do that at times.
But the problems become overwhelming to the point where I sleep too much.
Where I begin to eat a lot because well food helps.
But yet, I’d come home and the only thing people would notice about me
is you put on weight.
“What’s going on here huh?”
When are you going to the gym.
Time to get working those grades aren’t gonna get themselves up.
Why aren’t you doing more?
The negative got to me.
Instead of helping, it destroyed the hope and happiness that was once there.
These walls around me, if they could speak what would they say?
There once was a person that wanted nothing more then to help the world around him, whose dreams of being able to be there for the person that wasn’t there for themselves.
There once was a person who was told everything will be better once you’re there, only to feel lost and all alone then ever before. There once was a soul that needed nothing more then to connect.
There once was a life taken.
Yet they’d go on, they’d speak some more.
They’d tell the stories of the thousands of brave souls that had their dreams fulfilled.
They’d tell the story that no matter what was thrown their way, they got up and fought against the storm.
The story of souls connecting, of aspirations being reached.
These walls would speak of hope and happiness and love and smiles.
With walls surrounding me day and night I feel freer then ever before.
Empowered by each story that could and each story that couldn’t.
These walls, no matter what form, will help me become the me I was supposed to be.
These walls are my story.
Written by: Sameer Ladha